How To Succeed At a Job Interview Without Really TryingSeptember 27, 2012
First thing that you should do is show up late; never look at one of the many fine maps on the internet showing traffic and construction. This would demonstrate common sense which is something no employer ever wants to see. Also make sure that you dress more casual than even the most casual interviewer you could imagine as this shows that you are confident and bold.
A good first impression is to talk about yourself for 20 minutes and never take a breath, this avoids the possibility of an interviewer asking a pertinent question and you possibly from saying something in return. Long rambling discourses show that you are capable of free range thinking on a variety of topics without a whit of holding back. These types of one-sided discussions ensure that the interviewer will marvel at your ability to make talking type noises which are a hallmark of business communications.
Before I forget (which is easy to do during a long discourse on topics heretofore not broached in these walls) I should mention the importance of the resume. This document should include everything you have ever read in some blog post, preferably in bullet point form covering half of the resume so that an employer might feel too ignorant to even speak with you and just go ahead with the job offer. The mere listing of a multitude of programming languages both common and obscure will no doubt make any actual interview questioning a mere formality. Actual job experience should also be vague and minimal as the listing of your highly technological knowledge base should be sufficient for even the most demanding of employer. Details dear to your heart such as personal desires and interesting hobbies are sure to create an irrepressible need to employ you.
Of course it may come about that a question or two might be asked by an impertinent interviewer, perhaps vaguely involving some minor subject like the job you are sure to soon be working at. Under no circumstances should you ever study or read up on whatever trivial technology that might be asked for, as clearly you are a master of everything. After all who needs to know pointless details like syntax, or even useless flotsam like writing a simple class; no one could ever possibly need things like this in a real job. Surely an interviewer will overlook any minor lack of knowledge and see into your brilliant future with the company. Always make sure you answer every question by repeating the question as this shows complete understanding of the question being asked. Likely this will elicit noises of approval from the interviewer as this is a common method of communication in most companies. If you feel the odd need to attempt an answer spend at least 2 minutes in complete silence before admitting you have forgotten the question which will of course bring an immediate agreement with the interviewer who will apologize for failing to remember.
After the important back-and-forth discourse of asking and forgetting the interviewer will likely ask the all important question of why you might want to work at the company which of course should be answered with another long discourse on how great it will be for the company to have your brilliant self join the team. Should the interviewer casually inquire if you know anything about the company or group the job is with you should always refrain from admitting anything at all; after all the company is desperate for your presence and there was no need to waste any time or breath on reading up on such pointless trivia.
A very important point is to ensure that the interview takes more than the scheduled time since it is likely the interviewer has nothing else to occupy their time. This is even more important if there are multiple interviewers since talking with you is clearly more interesting and necessary than any actual work; in any case your joining the team will improve things many times over. So continue to speak at great length on whatever topic amuses you. This can only solidify in the interviewer's mind exactly how much you will add to the company and team's ability to accomplish things.
As a final note you should remember every single important fact I have written down for your benefit AND DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE.